Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
