its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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