feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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