i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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