Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
