Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
