Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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