Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
