Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
