Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
