Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
