I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
