Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
