You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
