I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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