I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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