I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
