Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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