"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
