We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize