All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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