Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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