I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize