I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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