I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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