I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
