his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
