I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
