The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
