I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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