Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
