I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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