Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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