Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
