No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
