What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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