hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you had me at cake vodka
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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