Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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