Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
