I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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