I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish I only lived at night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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