Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
