I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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