you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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