Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
