ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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