I haven't been this sober since birth.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
