u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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