Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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