Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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