Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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