Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
