It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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