So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
