So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
