Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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